Why the Things You Do to Feel Better Might Be Making You Feel Worse

Why is it so incredibly hard to relax?

Tell me if this resonates: You finally sit down at the end of the day. Maybe you grab your phone, turn on a show, have a snack, or maybe a glass of wine… all things that you’ve been looking forward to that are supposed to help you unwind. 

And while it is enjoyable, you don’t really end up feeling relaxed. You’re just distracted. 

Your body doesn’t fully settle, your mind keeps going and going, and there’s this thought tugging at the back of your mind that tells you to reach for something else, like what you’re doing isn’t quite enough. 

I’ve had a lot of nights like this. When I’m technically resting but I’m never fully at ease. 

And let's be real — What do we do when that feeling of not being fully satisfied creeps in? We start scrolling while we’re watching the show, and maybe throw a snack in there too. 

We’re still looking for that relief but not really finding it, so we keep looking. 

And you might be thinking, “But Deborah, these things do feel good and are super enjoyable.” And you’re right. But have you ever noticed that you never really get to the end point of scrolling or clicking “next episode” when you think, I feel satisfied, I’ve had enough?

The reality is that we stay up way too late until we’re falling asleep, or we force ourselves to turn it all off because we “should”— even though we don’t really want to. And more often than not, as soon as it’s all gone and put away, that feeling of wanting to relax just comes flooding back, because relaxation never really came. 

If this feels familiar at all, you’re definitely not alone. And the good news is that this isn’t due to a lack of willpower or because you’re somehow broken. This process happens because we’re living during a time where we have more access to things that feel good than ever before .. and the result is that it’s getting harder to actually feel good.

Your brain was designed to respond exactly this way to things that feel good. It just wasn’t designed to live in this kind of environment. 

The Role of Dopamine

To fully understand this, we have to talk a bit about a neurochemical called dopamine. 

Most people hear dopamine and think of it as the “feel good” chemical—the thing that makes you feel happy. And while that’s partially true, that’s not really its main job.

Dopamine is much more about motivation than it is about pleasure. Dopamine creates that pull toward something. That feeling of:
“I want that.”
“I should check that.”
“I’ll just do a little more.”

It’s what gets you to reach for your phone, start the next episode, grab something to eat — even when part of you knows you don’t really need it.

But here’s what’s really interesting: dopamine isn’t just released when you experience something enjoyable. It often spikes in the anticipation of it.

In other words, your brain starts responding before the thing even happens. 

Just thinking about something rewarding, seeing a notification pop up, or getting a glimpse of something new can be enough to trigger that response.

And this makes sense when you think about behavior. This process is what motivates us to feed ourselves, to seek connection, to solve problems, and to keep going even though life is difficult. 

Without dopamine we wouldn’t have drive. And without drive, we would slowly go extinct.

So our drive toward pleasurable things is not the problem .. the problem is that the environment we’re living in now gives that system constant opportunities to fire. And once you start to understand that, a lot of your patterns start to make a whole lot more sense.

The Teeter-Totter

There’s a concept that psychiatrist Anna Lembke talks about in her book Dopamine Nation that I come back to all the time, because it explains this so clearly.

She describes dopamine as working like a teeter-totter in your brain.

On one side is pleasure.
On the other side is pain.

And your brain is always trying to keep that teeter-totter level. When it’s level, that’s when we are balanced. 

So when you do something that feels good — eat something sweet, scroll your phone, watch something you enjoy — dopamine is released, and the teeter-totter tips toward pleasure.

But here’s the part that most people don’t realize: Your brain doesn’t just let that teeter-totter stay tipped. It works to bring it back to neutral. And to do that, it needs to push us toward pain. 

But it’s not necessarily physical pain like your toe starts hurting. It’s often just discomfort, even things like restlessness. And it’s usually really subtle.

Let’s walk through the scenario again with this in mind. We reach for that pleasure item: scrolling, food, alcohol, etc. It gives us a hit of that dopamine and we feel good. But after we’ve consumed it, we feel a little restless. A little unsatisfied. Maybe we even feel moody or irritable.  It just wasn’t quite enough. 

So what do we do? We try to go back to a pleasurable thing. One more scroll. One more episode. Something else to get that easy and fast dopamine fix.

It feels like we’re just wanting more of the good feeling .. but the reality is that in that moment you’re trying to move away from the discomfort that followed what was pleasurable before. 

But this just starts that teeter-totter process all over again. We reach for pleasure, we feel pain, so we reach for more pleasure, so we feel more pain. 

And it just cycles over and over again. 

It’s exhausting. 

But it’s because the way we’ve been going about this is actually backwards .. and that is at the root of everything. 

Why This Is Happening More Now

This process in your brain has always been there. And it’s always worked to keep a human balanced. 

What’s new is the environment we’re living in. 

For most of human history, the things that brought pleasure required some level of effort. You had to go find food and work hard to get it. It took effort to create social connections, to find a mate. Anything you wanted, required a lot of effort first. 

But now, our rewards are instant. 

You want a yummy snack, all you have to do is open the cupboard, or at most go to the store. No hunting, no preparing .. unless you count opening a package (and our brain doesn’t really count that.) You can scroll, watch, eat, shop, check, click… all within seconds. 

And you don’t just have access once. You have access all day everyday. You don’t have to work for it in the same way. You don’t even have to wait. Most often you don’t even need to get up off the couch. 

And on top of that, we have so many pleasurable things that we can do at the same time! You can watch a show while you scroll on your phone, while snacking… all while barely noticing any of it fully. 

I think we’ve all caught ourselves here, especially at the end of a long day when we’re tired and we just want easy. 

The pull makes sense; that’s how we’re wired. We want to feel good. But when we start with easy pleasure, pain always follows. The brain has to come back to balance. Versus when we start first with pain (effort, discomfort), then pleasure is the balance. 

What we’re experiencing now means the pursuit of pleasure never really gets satisfied. When everything ends with pain .. it just sets us up to want something pleasurable one more time. 

The teeter-totter never gets a break. 

And Then There Was Stress

To add an extra layer to the mix, we’re also experiencing a society filled with dysregulated nervous systems. We might look back at times in the past and think, “But people had it so much harder back then!” And in some ways that’s true. But our reality is an environment that triggers our threat response over and over again. 

Social media, the news media, advertising… the way we engage with everything around us prevents us from ever coming down out of survival mode. 

Companies understand how our nervous system functions and they also understand how our neurochemicals work. They know what will keep us coming back for more. So everything is designed with that in mind. Our food, our media, how we shop .. everything is meant to be addictive. 

So you’re stressed out, unable to calm back down, and of course you reach for something pleasurable. Of course you want something to help you soothe. 

There’s nothing wrong with that. 

But if the main way you get relief is through these quick, pleasurable means, it can keep you stuck in this cycle of never really feeling okay. 

How To Start Shifting This

So what’s the answer? Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you that you need to remove everything that feels good. But doing everything the same isn’t the answer either. 

You want to start working with your brain instead of against it. 

Here are a few places you can start:

Stop Stacking Stimulation

I know I know, but eating pizza while scrolling while watching a show is your favorite thing ever. 

But when you do all of these easy, pleasurable things all at once .. your teeter totter drops really low into the pleasure area .. which means it’s just that much bigger of a drop into the pain area afterward. 

So instead of doing all of these things at once, just pick one. 

• Scroll on your phone but not while also watching tv. 

• Eat your food and really enjoy it, don’t do something else during a meal. 

• Allow yourself moments throughout the day when it’s just quiet. No stimulation, no input. 

Our brains were not designed to be stimulated every second of every day. 

Start small with this. Pick one area during your day to try this. Even one small moment gives your system a chance to actually process what you’re doing, instead of constantly chasing the next thing. 

Get Bored

Another place to experiment is with a little bit of boredom. It doesn’t have to be hours of staring at a wall - just small moments where you’re not immediately filling space. 

• If you’re standing in line or waiting, don’t immediately grab your phone. 

• Take a walk without anything playing in your ears. 

• Wash dishes or cook without watching a show or the news at the same time. 

It’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but that’s a good thing. Because after discomfort comes pleasure. That’s how your system recalibrates. 

Pursue Healthy Dopamine

There are a lot of things that have a natural rhythm of effort and reward. 

• Movement/exercise

• Being outside

• Learning something new

• Creating something, even something simple. 

These all require effort and some level of discomfort, but they also offer a big reward afterward, and it’s a reward that doesn’t leave you looking for more immediately after. 

Learn To Pause

Before you reach for that easy fix, add in a pause. Take a moment and ask yourself: What am I actually needing right now? 

And sometimes the answer is that you just want that thing, and that’s okay! It’s okay to give ourselves these easy pleasures at times. But sometimes that short pause is enough to shift the pattern. 

All of this works even better when your body is supported. 

Sleep, nutritious food, blood sugar balance, gut health — these all play a role in how steady and resilient your system feels. 

Which is why everything always comes back to a nervous system that feels safe. 

In Closing

Does this explain a lot for you? It definitely did for me. Understanding that pain/pleasure process changed how I do so much in my life now. 

And not only that, it changed how I’ve been viewing myself.

It’s not just a lack of self-discipline. It’s not because I have zero will-power. I’m living in an environment that creates a certain reality. 

The part that is on me is choosing how much of that reality I want to follow along with.