Feel your anger to heal your soul
This week I got so angry, I was on the verge of throwing something… and it felt like it healed something inside of me.
Okay, backstory:
Anger and I have never been friends. For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled to feel anger, even when it was justified.
My friends have always teased me that I’m a bit of a Pollyanna .. always with something good to say and positive all the time. And I’ve always felt proud of that, thinking that it was only a good thing to always look on the bright side.
But life is not always bright, and it’s definitely not always fair. And sometimes anger is the proper response.
Anger is not a bad emotion. It’s not wrong to feel angry. What gives it a negative connotation is when we give into it and let it decide our actions. That’s when anger can be destructive. But the feeling itself? There’s nothing wrong with it.
I see a lot of people, women especially, who struggle with anger. So many of us grew up trying to be “the good girl.” Anger can feel uncomfortable in that case. Because we just want to be “nice.”
But do you know what “nice” stands for?
Not
Into
Complex
Emotions
One of my teachers said that to me years ago and it really stuck with me. Because here’s what happens when you keep yourself from feeling certain emotions: you numb yourself to all of them.
When there’s an emotion that feels uncomfortable, we typically numb ourselves to it. But we cannot selectively numb. When you numb pain, anger, and frustration, you also numb joy, love, and connection.
Earlier this week I felt disrespected because I when asked someone who I thought should know better to not do something, they did it anyway. It wasn’t anything actually important and it wasn’t life changing; it was simply a request that they ignored and disregarded. And it made me really angry. Especially because when I confronted them about it they just kind of shrugged it off.
In the past, I would have felt frustrated, but I wouldn’t have let myself fully feel that anger. This time, I did. I got really angry. And I let myself feel it. I let myself acknowledge the reality: That was unfair, it wasn’t right, and it was really upsetting.
It helped that my husband Jesse listened, validated me, and completely empathized with me. He agreed that the way I was treated was wrong and that it was completely understandable to be upset about it. (I also think he was just happy he wasn’t the target of my anger.)
After a good rage clean of my kitchen, allowing myself to fully feel all of the emotions... I actually felt amazing.
Since I allowed myself to process through that emotion, it dissipated. I can honestly say that I’m not angry at that person anymore. I actually think if I hadn’t let myself process through it, there would still be some resentment bubbling under the surface.
Feeling our feelings can be difficult at times, especially when we’ve assigned meaning to them. When we think of some emotions as good and some as bad, it prevents us from feeling.
There are no bad emotions. There are some that are hard, but none of them are bad.
The actions we take because of our emotions is another story, but it’s important that we don’t conflate the two.
If you’re someone who struggles to feel your emotions—especially the uncomfortable ones like anger—here are a few gentle starting points:
Start with curiosity.
When something stirs up anger, frustration, or resentment, instead of pushing it away, pause and ask yourself: What part of me is feeling threatened or hurt right now? You don’t have to analyze or fix it.. just notice it.
Move your body.
Emotions are energy—they’re meant to move through us, not stay stuck. Try a ‘rage clean’ like I did, go for a brisk walk, shake it out, or even stomp your feet. Movement often helps emotions process naturally.
Name it.
Simply naming your emotion—“I feel angry right now”—can be incredibly powerful. It signals to your nervous system that you’re safe to feel it.
Find safe people who can hold space for you.
Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or a coach, having someone who can validate your experience (without trying to fix it) makes a world of difference. Tip: A lot of people go into “fix it” mode without realizing it. It can help to start the conversation by saying, “I need to share something with you, but I don’t need you to fix it, I just need someone to help me talk through it and listen. Are you available to do that for me?”
Remember: feeling isn’t the same as reacting.
You can fully feel your emotions without acting out in ways you’d regret. Feeling them actually lowers the chance that they’ll sneak out sideways later as resentment or passive-aggression.
This experience showed me that allowing myself to fully feel my feelings—even the uncomfortable ones—isn’t a weakness but is, in fact a strength. It’s self respect. It’s healing.
And maybe this is your reminder today: You’re allowed to feel it too.
