Nervous system regulation is not a destination. It’s a state of being.
I think we forget this too often. At least, I know I do.
It’s so easy to fall into wishful thinking that when you’re “healed” you just won’t have anxiety anymore. That someday when you’re “successful,” you just won’t deal with shame or sabotage. That once you know how to deal with stress… things just won’t stress you out anymore.
That thinking stems from the belief that if you have stress or anxiety, it means something inside you is broken.
But stress and anxiety are simply the ways your nervous system responds to threats. And quite often, it's a very valid response.
If you lose your job and can’t find another one and you don’t know how you’re going to pay your bills… that’s stressful! You would never tell that person, “If you just worked on your breathing and did regulation exercises, you wouldn’t be stressed.”
Stress is not bad. It’s not an indication that something is wrong with you. It’s simply feedback — your body saying, “something needs attention.”
Here’s an important distinction: true dysregulation is when your nervous system’s response is bigger than the moment requires.
Your nervous system is supposed to respond to real threats. Dysregulation is when the response is disproportionate. It’s your smoke alarm going off because your neighbors are cooking bacon.
It’s getting an email from your boss and almost having a panic attack. It’s driving in traffic and feeling like you’re going to hyperventilate because your body is convinced something terrible is going to happen.
You’re not just imagining threats — your body is overreacting to them.
Learning to regulate your nervous system means learning how to rewire those responses. It’s understanding how your system actually works and learning how to feel safe in your body. This is what I teach in my course Regulate + Thrive— the foundational steps I needed to finally break the anxiety loop I’d been stuck in for most of my life.
Doing that work is life changing and incredibly beneficial, but it doesn’t make all your stress go away.
There are plenty of things in life where the appropriate response is stress. An accident, relationship struggles, unmet basic needs, health issues — these are valid threats that activate your stress response.
Not all stress equals dysregulation.
That being said, can the way we live our lives contribute to our stress? Absolutely.
Our perceptions, our coping strategies, our thinking patterns, and whether we’re allowing ourselves to process our emotions — all of that plays a huge role in how much stress we experience.
You know you can’t just workout for a year and then expect to maintain all your muscle while going back to a sedentary life, right? The body responds to what we do daily. Our minds are the same.
Let me say it again: Nervous system regulation is not a destination. It’s a state of being.
Even if you’ve done all the work to rewire your nervous system so you don’t trigger as easily, it doesn’t mean you’ll never fall back into old patterns. It doesn’t mean you can treat your body and mind however you want and expect to stay regulated.
I know this, and yet I still needed this reminder this week.
I have a tendency to overfill my plate. It comes from an old belief that I must be capable in order to be loved. And while I’ve done a lot of healing around this, it’s still a pattern I easily fall back into if I’m not paying attention.
Our brains love patterns — especially ones that helped us feel safe in the past, even if they’re not helping us now.
Feeling capable and busy made me feel safe. But it also came with consequences: things slip through the cracks because my plate is too full, my relationships suffer because I’m exhausted, resentment builds when I say yes out of obligation, and stress climbs because I can’t realistically do everything I signed up for.
These patterns are sneaky. It’s like you start your day carrying 10 pounds — no problem. Then another pound here, five pounds there… and suddenly you’re carrying 50 pounds and wondering why everything feels like too much.
When I feel really stressed, this is usually the first place I look.
What am I carrying? And do I need to carry all of it?
For you, it might be something different. Your go-to pattern might look like shutting down and procrastinating because taking action feels overwhelming. Or keeping yourself constantly busy so you never have to slow down and feel. Or saying yes to everything because disappointing someone feels unsafe. These patterns are not flaws — they’re old safety strategies your nervous system learned a long time ago.
This is why it’s so helpful to occasionally take inventory of the things you’re doing that contribute to your stress — not from a place of blame, but from awareness.
I like to break my daily tasks into things that drain and things that replenish.
And I want to be very clear: draining does not mean bad.
There are plenty of beautiful, important things in your life that require energy. Just like you can't expect to sleep 4 hours a night and wake up refreshed, you also can’t expect to give, produce, support, carry, manage, and absorb all day long without actively replenishing yourself.
So if you’ve been feeling stressed lately, here’s something to try:
Step 1: Look at last week. What drained you? What replenished you?
Think about how you felt after each activity. Scrolling might feel good in the moment, but did it actually refresh you? A workout might feel invigorating, or it might leave you more depleted depending on your stress load.
Even things you love can be draining — and that doesn’t mean they’re bad. You just want to be honest about their impact.
Here’s an example of what a snapshot of last week might look like for you:
Draining:
Work responsibilities and meetings
Parenting or caregiving demands
Getting kids to school/activities
Running errands and grocery shopping
Cooking dinner and planning meals
Managing the household (cleaning, laundry, mental load)
Supporting a friend or family member emotionally
Being “on” for clients, coworkers, or customers
Commuting or driving in traffic
A child waking up at night or disrupted sleep
A social event you enjoyed but needed a recovery day after
Managing finances or paying bills
Unexpected schedule changes or interruptions
Replenishing:
A quiet morning moment before anyone wakes up
A short walk outside
Deep breaths or grounding
Warm tea or coffee enjoyed slowly
A supportive conversation with a friend
Listening to calming music
A relaxing shower
Tidying one small area
A few minutes of stretching
Getting to bed on time
Reading a few pages of something inspiring
Turning off notifications for a bit
If last week was unusually stressful or far from your normal routine, choose a different week. The point is simply to see where your energy is going.
Remember: it’s not about time spent. A five-minute interaction can either lift you all day or drain you all day.
Step 2: Make a list of things that genuinely rejuvenate you.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Morning sunlight
Nature walks or sitting outside
Warm showers
Breathwork or grounding
A cup of tea
Journaling or brain-dumping
Stretching or gentle yoga
Listening to calming music
Reading
Aromatherapy
Turning off your phone for a bit
Saying no without guilt
Going to bed early
Nourishing meals
Creative hobbies
Snuggling with a pet
Laughing at something funny
Asking for help
A clean, tidy corner of your home
A few minutes of silence
Now look ahead: How can you add more of these into your days? What draining things could you reduce, share, or let go of?
This is how we build a regulated life — not by eliminating stress, but by supporting ourselves through it.
I needed this reminder this week, so I wanted to share it in case you needed it too.
And if you do this exercise and feel overwhelmed by how much needs to change, take a deep breath. You don’t need to fix everything overnight. Start with one small thing you can add today. Repeat it tomorrow. Focus more on adding than removing.
A subtle shift in your trajectory can take you somewhere completely different.
And if you feel like you need support walking this out, this is exactly why I created Rooted + Rising.
Every month we dive into a different pillar of nervous system health with a Masterclass, group coaching, and a supportive community walking this path with you.
This month we’re exploring how perception shapes our stress more than our circumstances. In January, we’ll dive into how your diet impacts stress, energy, and nervous system health.
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
